I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
