seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
