saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
