i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
