My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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