So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
