Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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