Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
