my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have fence marks all over my body
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
