I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
