East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
