I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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