Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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