There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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