ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
