You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
