Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
