i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize