my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
