Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize