I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
