sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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