i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My bed smells like the plague
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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