Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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