PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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