I faked an abortion last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
