you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
