Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
