Princesses don't give blow jobs
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
