Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
