So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
