I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
