i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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