Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
