she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
