So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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