Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
