Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
