She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
