I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
