So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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