be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
