If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
