i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you traded sex for a burrito?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
