I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize