just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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