Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
