Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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