He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
