I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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