No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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