dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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