It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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