who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
