Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
