Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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