Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
