D3 body, D1 cock
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
4 words: hood of his car
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
