Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
